PET PEEVES ON A PLANE

SCREEN JABBERS

Hey, guy behind me, it’s called a touch screen not a punch screen. I can feel every time you get a gem match in Bejewelled THROUGH MY SKULL.

INFLIGHT FAIL

Even worse, no screen at all. Why are there even long haul planes without in-flight entertainment these days? Shame on you. And no, showing Rush Hour 2 on the communal TV doesn’t count.

ARID NOSTRILS

So you’ve just caught me with my finger in my nose. Awkward. I’m not picking it though… IT’S THE HUMIDITY.

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RECLINE NAZIS

Look, if I want to lean back, I’m gonna. I’m on this flight for the next eight hours and if you just reclined too… there, see, now you have the same space as you had before. And look how much comfier you are! Let’s all lean back!

BABY NAZIS

No, not babies who are nazis. If you are annoyed by the presence of a baby on a plane, get off. Sure, no one has a good time with a wailing infant on board, but just think about how confused the poor little thing is. Its ears hurt, there’s a lady with a pungent egg mayo sandwich, and holy shit… why is everything so loud?! Flying is bloody terrifying – give the tot (and its mum) a break.

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UPGRADE HEARTACHE

Confession: I have never, ever been upgraded. I’ve put on my Sunday best, been super nice at check in, name-dropped that I’m on honeymoon, and nada. Does it happen anymore? I live in hope…

ELBOW WARS

There’s an unspoken contract between you and the person you’re sat next to. This is my arm rest, that is your arm rest. Break that contract and I will spend the entire flight passive aggressively jabbing your elbow with mine.

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What do you hate most about plane travel?

Ax